It turns out I have a lot that I want to put down but it's incredibly difficult to do. Partly that's just the nature of my neurodivergence; words slip through my fingers like sand before the pen touches paper. There's emotion and real things in there, somewhere. Words start to form, taking shape just enough to express; and then they slip away. Other times the words stay, but they don't quite make the right shape of the thing. Something's off about them. And reaching for precision risks losing the thought entirely before I can get it down.

Mostly though, if I'm being honest, it's because I have a hard time believing the things I want to write are worth writing.

Or, maybe because I have a hard time believing the things I want to write are worth saying; sharing.

That's a lie I tell myself to stay small and safe. It's a defense against being vulnerable and hurt. And it's not fair to myself or anyone who could possibly hear these words and find some good in them. Notwithstanding if I think back to when I was younger how important authentic voices that weren't afraid to put the pen to paper were to me. Or how important they still are.

There's also a fear wrapped up in all of this, and it's not a fear of disagreement. If someone hears me clearly and disagrees, I can live with that. It's the fear of being misunderstood; someone hearing something I didn't say, and responding to that instead. I want to be talking about the actual thing, not something vaguely similar or completely different. That desire for precision makes every word feel heavy.

There's also a truth that writing things down helps keep them from becoming blurry. Most things, like values and ethics, aren't ever blurry. But some things can be. I'm also struggling to figure out structure in the way I want to organize my writing.

Or maybe that's just a good way to reason my way out of not being 'ready' so I don't have to take up space.

Not taking up space. On the internet, of all places. Kind of silly, really. So here's to big voices that keep themselves small out of fear; let's be loud together. Our voices matter.

- Bee